Journey of Forgiveness

“Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” – Ephesians 4:32 

As much as I don’t like to admit it, forgiveness is not something that comes naturally for me. I grew up in a household where holding on to grudges, enjoying to hate on others and to gossip was the normality. I didn’t really have anyone in my family who demonstrated forgiveness to me. I only ever witnessed bitterness towards others who wronged us.

I grew up in a small town in Victoria and lived in a domestic violence household with drugs and alcohol. I really hated my parents growing up, especially as a teen. I held on to so much anger and bitterness towards them as I hated what they put me through. At that time in my life, I wasn’t aware of forgiveness. It was easier for me to hate them, and to sit there digesting all the wrong they had done to me. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was a slave to hating others. I didn’t realise forgiveness would set me free.

The unprocessed trauma from my childhood caused me to go on a venture seeking truth and why I had the childhood that I had. Unfortunately, I carried on my feelings of unforgiveness and hatred and found myself in a community that validated and reinforced my behaviour. We worshipped ourselves and held on to the grudges we had on others. If people did me wrong, I cut them out of my life and continued to hold on to my hatred for them. I ended up cutting out my mum for a while and cutting ties with many friends or people I had super simple disagreements with. I used to harbour on this hatred I had for others, and constantly replay scenarios in my head of all the wrong people had done to me. I was in the process of journeying through my past experiences of life, and trying to process all my emotions and trauma, but I wasn’t able to learn or grow from these events, because I had not learnt the simple act of forgiveness.

Because of this, I ended up abusing substances to numb my trauma, but also to numb the bitterness and anger I constantly felt. I began inflicting pain on others and spewing out my issues onto those around me. And this was constantly being validated from my community. I had ended up exactly like my parents, and felt more depressed, lost and exhausted than ever. But I was soon to be called home.

After a year and a half of Him calling me, I eventually found Jesus. My encounter with Jesus was so incredibly bizarre, as He explained to me that He has forgiven me. He has wiped my whiteboard clean of all the things I’ve done. I remember feeling so much relief, so much peace and so much love as the feeling of being forgiven had lifted the burdens I held off my shoulders. Our God, the God of this universe, had forgiven me. It was so powerful.

Jesus’ first lesson for me was that if He could forgive me, for all the terrible and awful things I had done, how could I not forgive others? How could I not have that same compassion towards others that Jesus had for me?

Jesus helped me to understand that my parents had lived a painful childhood also, and that their patterns of behaviour were rooted in their trauma. Jesus taught me a new level of empathy and forgiveness for my parents, and for others too.

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” – Mark 11:25

Forgiveness is so much more freeing than holding on to grudges to others. It’s moving on and rekindling relationships. It’s letting go and learning to love others as Christ loved us. By being able to forgive my parents, as I was able to have a new understanding for them, it made it easier for me to have a happy relationship with them. It wasn’t easy, but by God’s grace my bitterness and hatred died, and my compassion and love grew.

“In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace” – Ephesians 1:7

If forgiveness was easy, then everyone would forgive others. But if Jesus can forgive us, and free us from our sin, we can learn to forgive others and have compassion and love for them, as Christ loves us.

Love Holly